And Things Escalate....

Spring Break is over but spring hasn't yet decided to arrive.  We have 5 weeks left of classes, 14 exams, 2 papers and 6 independent learning nodules to complete.  Then the studying really begins, the school gives us 4 weeks for intensive independent cramming for the boards. One week off  (during which- I'll be helping my brother move into his new house- Jeez, he has several tons of stuff) and then I start my 3rd year clinical rotations.  It'll be a kick-off into Ob-Gyn. 

If I had time to think about it, I'd be so excited/terrified to start. 

This week, one of our professors was hospitalized. A hospital chaplain stopped by our lecture hall and lead a class prayer for recovery and our class president sent around a collection for flowers & a card to sign.  Later that afternoon, during a small group study session, I asked Prez how Prof was doing. He said that Dr. P was doing much better & was being discharged the next morning. 

I then asked what he was hospitalized for.  Prez flew off the handle. He raised his voice (in the library- which was embarrassing) and told me that it was none of my business and completely inappropriate that I had the balls (his word, not mine) to ask. He then gave me a mini lecture on HIPAA and suggested that I think a little more about the ethics of the field that I was training for. 

Though I was completely taken aback (and annoyed) by his (dickish) reaction, it made me reflect. I know that the prof's illness is none of my business and that chipping in $10 for flowers doesn't give me any right to information about it.  I certainly wouldn't have approached one of his caregivers and I would have respected my classmate's reluctance to share if he was uncomfortable sharing what the prof told him in private.  I'm quite offended though to have been told off for being nosy and unprofessional.  They (the school and our class prez) solicited my prayers and money regarding this hospitalization. They engaged me in this. It is a medical school and we're all (supposed to be) curious about medicine. Was I out of line to ask?

What do you think, dear Internets? 

Here are some photos of my Seattle trip:

 These 'reeds' are just north of the Needle in Seattle Center.

 A sculpture in the center of the universe (Fremont)

 Apparently, Seattle has no zoning limitations on some farm animals.

 Le Pichet is, hands-down, one of my favorite restaurants in the world.  It's a perfect example of the casual-French bistro without the French Attitude.

 A view from McCaw Hall.

Downtown Seattle from across the way @ the Harbour Pub on Bainbridge.

Hello Again

I can't believe that I haven't posted since October.  Things have been busy- great- but busy.  School is going really well and I'm loving pathology.  Pharm- not so much.  I think that most of the last year & half, I've studied how to study.  I've stopped going to most lectures. Not being an auditory learner, it's easier to read the material and then listen to lectures on double speed to catch any unwritten tidbits.  I think that most of our class has a similar approach- I peeked into the lecture hall yesterday and there sat only 35-40 students out of 150. 

I did discover that we lost a classmate (as in dropped out- not deceased) over the last year.  It seems to me that that point of no return has passed though. 150K debt tells me that I can't change my mind until I finish and practice for a few years.  Not that I want to- it's just scary to have the option fade away. 

Anyway-  I have a SP exam in 2 hours so here is a procrastination photo of furniture/decor rearrangement. And the cat. Until next time....

And We're Off!

School's started back up and we're already in 6th gear.  I read 250 pages of patho, pharmo & Bates' before the first day of lectures which seems to be about par for reading assignments for the rest of the term.  Yay.  Today is the second day and I'm already behind. 

Last year, our doctoring course was a fou fou easy-pass write off. Not so this time around.  I'm nervous about it.  We have our first OSCE- neuro in less than two weeks.

Yesterday during our third class, the lecturer started off with several slides of a Canadian study not related to the material but demonstrating the 'time saved' by 'traditional' clinicians who put their stethoscopes in pockets as opposed to around the neck (the 'cool' clinicians).

Slide 1:  decreased TB transmission
Slide 2: breakdown of Canadian workers (Drs, RNs etc) who wear it around neck and, with an average 0.32sec slower retrieval, totally Canadian economic loss = some 5 million dollars/year.
Slide 3: BIG LETTERS: women 2x more likely to fall into the 'cool' (as opposed to 'traditional') category.
Slide 4: If this lecturer sees anyone wearing their stethoscope around their neck during his rotation: automatic fail.

I was so pissed off by the unabashedly sexist 'mini' lecture, I couldn't pay attention to the real material.  What a jerk- what a way to perpetuate the impression of women doctors (in 3 slides no less!) being less capable, less efficient, more dangerous to their patients, more concerned with image than being a good doc and less deserving of respect! 

1. Ties (that men ubiquitously wear) are much more likely to transmit infections. Stethoscopes can be wiped down after leaving infected rooms. I have yet to see any man change his tie.
2. The 'unisex' lab coats are really mens' coats that women wear. Many of us larger hipped folks have to deal with a tighter fit around the waist making it much easier for things to fall out of pockets. And having big bulky metal things banging against hips is much less comfortable.
3. We tend to be smaller- certainly smaller than this lecturer's 6ft+ height. Smaller coat = smaller, shallower pockets= increased likelihood of things falling out.
4. Nurses, at least at the hospitals that I've worked, don't typically wear coats so the data is completely skewed.
5. There was no cross study of folks switching to the other method to determine if the 'savings' of 0.32 secs/use is accurate. 

Oooh, writing this, my level of 'pissed-offedness' has just skyrocketed.

Here are some photos of the Fields Museum  and the little sushi place where I had dinner in Chicago:

Remediation

I've been preparing for my anatomy remediation exam these past couple of weeks. The material was actually easier (less boring) this time around because I was able to put it in physiologic context.  It still sucked having to memorize random useless shit:  "the plantaris m. is a vestigial structure" "septum transverserum becomes the liver and diaphram"

Is it necessary to use limited neural connections on these things?  I do understand the importance of having a strong anatomy foundation -like knowing the arcuate line- it would be disastrous to sew up the wrong layers- they showed us the photographs. But foundations are usually made of large bricks/slabs and mortar not itty-bitty pebbles. Jeez.

I met with the course director on Monday.  I had described him before as being funny, over-the-top and somewhat misogynistic ( I use that term carefully w/ the updated 2012 definition: entrenched prejudices against women.  I don't think he hates us).  He obviously had his favorites among the male students, rarely called on women and his anatomical examples were always skewed to more represent the masculine anatomy.

During our meeting though, he was really gentle, helpful and understanding. I had gone in with shaking knees and an underlying deep mortification with being in this situation (never again!)  but he put me at ease.  He made me feel as if this wasn't a great deal and even shared stories of his own graduate school struggles with failing a course.  He asked me how the other courses had gone and nodded knowingly when I confessed that I had a much easier time with physiology and immunology.  "You have an analytical mind" he told me. He even confessed that he was the same, liking concepts more than memorization and how ironic it was that he ended up an anatomy professor.

He then flipped open a manila file, riffled through the pages and began rattling off advice:

Know the anastomoses around the stomach
Know the course of the gonadal vessels
Understand straddle injuries, the cremasteric reflex, portal varices, I 8 10 eggs AT 12, water under the bridge, this is going to be leg and pelvis heavy, 2 radiology questions- think Dr. Y (I knew this meant one was an abdominal ultrasound), 6 cardiac, 2 lung, an adrenal, the unhappy triad, exceptions to para/sympathetic....

Realizing that he was looking at the exam questions, I started scribbling notes trying to keep up with his rapid fire proclamations then went home and studied specifics.

I sat for the exam this morning and he had been right: it was very leg and pelvis heavy. It was also foot heavy and neck heavy. I didn't do very well on it but I passed.

When I was notified about my medical school acceptance, the joy I felt far outweighed the relief. That was a great feeling. Because the powers that determine who gets invited for interview/acceptance are behind closed doors with ambiguous criteria (beyond grades/MCAT), it didn't feel like an anticipated failure, my fear of being denied. So the joy at hearing the "we want you" was pretty pure.

The joy I felt today having heard (read- I was notified via email) that I passed was pretty gritty. My fear of failure far outweighed the anticipation of the news. There has been times that life has been pretty tough: deciding to take both parents off life support (different times), grieving, recovering from an abusive relationship, feeling unlovable, getting laid off, the stress of living in a house I couldn't afford... etc etc. 

I'm pretty familiar with the grit life throws at you like rice at a wedding.  Today though, today, I felt a gritty joy. And it was fucking awesome.

Cheers.

I Live in a Forest

I had a meeting on Friday with a Dean about my summer remediation of anatomy. I'm not worried about the big test; I know that my struggles in the fall were mostly due to depression/loneliness/dislike of the course director. I'm much more focused now than I was then.

It sucks that I failed but to bastardize Cressida "Things failed are finished, joy's soul lies in the doing".  In all honesty, though it's really embarrassing and a pain that I'm going through this (I still haven't told a soul- besides you lovely blog readers), I could care less, maybe because I've experienced real loss and real regret (parents dying, words that can't be unspoken etc). I've gotten into the habit of looking at something and, if it'll stick to my soul twenty years into the future, then I'll give a shit. But having a P* instead of a P on my transcript, bullocks.

I won't fail another class if only to avoid the endless meetings with people who want to advise me, both my faculty mentors, a Dean of student affairs, a Dean of the study center, the advising center, the course director.  They all want to reassure me that it's okay, that I'll do alright in the remediation and that this won't affect my overall standing, that despite this, because of my performance in other classes, I'm actually towards the top of the class.

One positive aside, throughout the endless meetings, people have told me that with my hospital experience and people skills (apparently, I have great people skills) I'm going sail through 3rd year. Huh.

Anyhow: Here's my living room evolution. I'm too lazy to break down the cost factor. If you want to know just ask. Suffice to say, most of the money went to the plants. I used a clearance shower curtain (with sequins!) in the window treatment.

Evolution of South View Living Room

Current Manifestation: 

Evolution posts:

north living room & sunroom
west living room
east living room
east bedroom
west bedroom 

Evolution of a Bedroom, East View

I realized that I never mentioned how final exams went. A.W.E.S.O.M.E.  Both the (cumulative-ugh) physiology and immuno finals were insanely challenging. I wanted to cry when I finished because I was certain that I failed but I ended up doing really well. Huh.

Now that the semester is over, I can actually reflect on how I like the type of material that has complicated convoluted interconnections (immuno, metabolism, endocrine etc).  It's more interesting to learn and it's actually fun to apply- kind of like in Orgo when 'making' a certain molecule- being able to choose different paths to get to the same place.   I can't wait until patho next year when it gets really interesting.

As for the promised bedroom photos:

Here ya go.  Again, mostly rearrangements of my already owned stuff. I'll mark the cost of new things (mostly plants) in the photo captions.  I put the curtain up on the one side because I only had the one curtain rod left (& I was too cheap to buy another..) and I wanted to hide the ugly little AC unit.

Moving day. You can see that there's absolutely no privacy without the blinds. I hate blinds.

I switched the chairs out for the bench when I rearranged the bed.  The laundry basket is new: It was the cheapest wicker @ Bed Bath & Beyond. I don't remember how much it cost... under $20, I think.

The window film (and applicator) was apprx $15 at Home Depot. I didn't want to spend the $30+ on the decorative films so I got the cheap stuff and carved waves at the top to make it more interesting. I found a piece of scrap wood in the basement and the shelf brackets were about a dollar each at HD. Plants: orchids $8.99, aloe $3.99  at Trader Joes. The Ponytail Palm was $7.99 and the jade (RIP) was $5.99 @ HD. The jade was my first final exam fatality.

 FINAL (for now) result....

I love how glowy the room looks with all the mirrors (see west view). I really tried to position them to maximize light and minimize people reflection. I do NOT want to stare at my own sorry self all the time. I actually have to bend and crane to see myself in any of the mirrors. Phew. 
 

I picked up the shelf ($5) and the Sheepskin ($9) from Ikea. The Dracaena was $6 @HD.

The shelf & brackets were about $7.00 at HD.

So all in all, I spent less than $25/month deuglifying my bedroom (east/west). I've convinced myself that that's okay because I'm saving 3x that by not having cable TV. 

Today's Offering to the Gods of Procrastination

I'm in the midst of reviewing 107 physiology lectures for our cumulative final Monday morning but I needed a break to give a shout out to my amazing classmates.

I really lucked out with my decision to go to BCMS.  I've friends at other schools who talk about the competition and the frustration of the ubiquitous gunners.  Here, we have a contest for 'resource of the week'.  It's such a collaborative environment. There is competition but it's mostly as a class trying to beat the performance that other years had on exams. (we rocked the immuno midterm- our average was 7 points higher that the '15 class).

Pre-exam weekends always show a flurry of activity on our facebook page with post after post of practice exams, summaries, review material from upperclassmen or other schools, people posting info garnered from office hours. It's pretty amazing how so many of my classmates are so generous with their discoveries.

For anyone applying to medical school, a non-curved grade structure really makes a HUGE difference in the learning environment. I remember when I was looking at schools, it fell lower on the totem pole of priorities.  Now I wouldn't trade it for a full scholarship to JH.

VA tape

 BCMS arranges lots of rotations at the nearby VA hospital so we had to go thru the federal background check, fingerprinting etc for access. It was a pain in the *#a.  Last year, I had 5 ppd skin tests, 3 background checks (in which I needed to list ALL of my lifetime addresses & local (to said addresses) people to vouch for my existence there, and two fingerprinting sessions.  The extent of my civil disobedience consists of 3 parking tickets that I accumulated a decade ago by parking in the staff lot at a local community college. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if I were a naughtier person.

I've lived in 7 states. I had to dig through old letters that I saved to find all my former addresses (15 of them that I could recall- I'm sure I missed one or two..). Then I had to supply references for a) places that I had lived and b) places that I had worked.  I actually used myself as a reference a couple of times.  I laughed when I received the letters "Can you confirm that 'Narrow Room' was a resident here between August 1997 and July 1998?". Why yes, yes I can.

Ironically, the med students who struggled more than me with this insane process were the few who were actually current members of the armed services (and already had partial clearance). The VA required additional paperwork from them. Insane.

But now I have a med school ID AND an official "get thru security at the airport quickly" government ID.  I'm so cool.

But in reflection, the VA sat on our application paperwork for 4 months. I received an email in December that all was in order for my background check. The class didn't get notification until last week, though, that all was in order with our application and we could go to the HR office to press our fingers to the confirmation screen and pose for our (dashing) ID photos. 

Then, two days after this notification, BCMS sent out an email that the background check/fingerprinting for the VA expired that weekend, leaving us just 2 days to get to HR before we would have to start the process all over.

I waited in line (the day before an exam, mind you) for three hours. Apparently, all the VAs in the US operate on two servers so the backup during busy times can be insane. Several of my fellow students did end up having to be re-fingerprinted thus delaying their "go straight thru security cards" by 3 months.

Now I ask: "Why did they have us submit our application, background check and fingerprint us on the same day leaving only 4 days for the processing completion?"  Wouldn't it have made more sense to process the application (the rate determining step), then do the background check?

And this is for (useless MS1s). I can only assume that all new VA staff, those who can actually help the backlog of over a million veterans, struggle with the same stupid delays.

I'm not even going to start on the old Commodore computers they still use....

Procrastination

I have 4 exams, 2 papers, an OSCE and about 20 hours of online learning modules to complete in the next two weeks.

So I thought it a brilliant time to glue rocks to my table. It was a $10 craigslist stop-gap purchase that I can't afford to replace. I actually really like how it turned out. I'll add another coat of white paint tomorrow.

Oh- and my physio prof calls Asians "Orientals". Ack!

And I've realized that I'm an addict and a hoarder but that's tomorrow's procrastination post....


BEFORE:

 AFTER:

 

I can't paint the wall- so I tacked some ribbon to add color but I did it mostly because I mistakenly hung the Rorschach blots off center. Oops. 

Library Living and Immunology Tempers

Immunology Tempers:

Our class schedule was packed this week; they decided to cram a full week into 4 days to give us Friday off for the holiday. Nobody is actually taking the day 'off'. We're just independently studying.

We also had several small group study sessions. During one, my group was confused about some concepts and we asked the facilitator for clarification. He stood at the opposite end of the table and went off on a tangent, often stopping mid-sentence for several long moments. The group was silent, waiting for him to make his point, hoping that anything he said would be useful to our discussion. After a pause that went on, and on, and on, his eyes flared and he burst out in irritation: "WHAT!? you want me to give you the answers?!" I thought he was going to turn and twist someone's head off in rage.  He didn't even talk about the issue at hand. We were discussing an ascites problem and he was going on about hormones and birth control.  It was bizarre.

We averted our eyes and lowered our heads to our assignment, waiting until he walked away before whispering about how weird it was.  We never did come up with the right answer.

Library Living:

When I first moved to Seattle, it took 6 months for me to get around to buying furniture. I had been sleeping on an air mattress and my belongings were still in boxes though I was doing this underneath the window of an amazing view. I lived next door to Fisher Plaza (where the helicopter lands in the opening credits of Grey's Anatomy). The Space Needle and Puget Sound were RIGHT THERE. Amazing.

I had spent the previous years living a nomadic life, working seasonally in different national parks. I learned to travel lightly. 

Anyhow, my mom decided to come out to spend Christmas with me so I caved and went out to buy stuff to put my stuff on.

Over the years, I slowly began to appreciate the joy of nesting. Then, I had to move cross country (again) at a moment's notice. Circumstances required that I essentially live out of a suitcase for a couple of years. I did eventually settle into a postage stamp that was labeled a studio (seriously: 220sq ft) but I knew that I would be relocating within months for school, ergo, no nesting.

Now, I'm in a lovely studio (it's 533 sq feet- palatial!) and I  know that I'll be here for a minimum of 4 years, maybe even 8 (depending on residency placement). I've been nesting galore. I've also become addicted to websites like Apartment Therapy and Houzz- always looking for new ideas to improve my home.

Today, Apartment Therapy had a post about getting rid of books. Laugh. I've written before about my feelings on the subject. I do believe that the little critters spore when we're not looking (and eat our socks).  When I moved out here last summer, I came with, maybe, 300 volumes and the collection has not grown at the rate it had in the past, I've been busy with other things...

Nonetheless,  it has grown beyond the capacity of the built-in bookshelves. 

 On the shelves, I've kept (mostly) fiction to the left of the mantel, non fiction to the right.

Some of the mini-collections that have broken off are practical.

 

On this table are those books that I most often lend out.

Within reach while I'm at my desk, I've piled my school books on the radiator. Don't worry, I've turned the radiator off. My apartment is small, landlords are generous with the heat, so the radiator in the bathroom is sufficient to heat the place.

 

On my nightstand are the books currently on my list to read- well, except for the Viet Nam tour guide. I flip thru that when I want to escape. I'll pretend I'm back skinny-dipping in a secluded cove in Halong bay with the phosphorescent plankton. "sigh".

The rest of the groupings, I've arranged to amuse myself- like when I hung one of my Rorschach inkblots upside down. No one else ever notices but it makes me laugh.

 On my desk, I've gathered my 'rebel books'. Starting off with the Widow Clicquot- a woman who saved the champagne industry (yay- love champagne) back when women couldn't do much of anything. When I get my biography of Eleanor of Aquitaine back, it goes here. I also have a history of 'bad girls', Lisa Randall's (the awesome physicist) warped passages,  A history of castrated singers, the philosophy of John S. Mill (total feminist) and Martin Page's "How I became Stupid" to remind myself not to take life so seriously.  Oh and a new Bollywood movie- I'll watch it in stages at my desk over the next few weeks.

The rest of the 'vignettes' are basically book pairings that make me chuckle.

 

A history of the Amish: A history of the Tramp in America

Freiden's "Feminine Mystique": Michel Foucault 

 

Hitchen's Mother Teresa espose: A history of Courtesans

An American Indian History of Wounded Knee: a book of Kashmiri sayings

Am I outing myself as a complete nerd?

Well, I started this post to show the ways that I've accommodated my library growth then veered onto a tangent so I guess poking fun at my facilitator just might break some of my windows (stones, glass houses blah blah.) 

Oh: here's my bathroom addition: instead of studying last night, I made pompoms!

 

 

 

 

Sucky Happiness

It's been some time since I've been here!

I stumbled and tripped and eventually failed anatomy by 3 (three!!!!) points.  Out of 550.  That SUCKED. SUCKED. SUCKED. It still sucks.  I'll need to remediate over the summer.  Sucky.

I've spoken with a dean of student affairs and have contacted our learning center peeps for advice but haven't told anyone else (like family).  I'm too embarrassed. 

It was so frustrating; I honored every other course and even scored perfectly on the radiology final. I'm not stupid. I'm not. I swear. Three points!

I'm so happy to be in physiology. It's amazing how much easier it is for me to study. It's like a never-ending fountain of really cool, useful information. I can seriously lose hours chasing down information...

This semester is also bunches less isolating than last. I've finally found a small group of like-minded dedicated, irreverent and curious study partners.  One of our assignments for the 'doctoring' course was to take a personality test. It turns out everyone in my study group is an INTJ.  We're basically rational curious and pedantic people who don't do feelings.  It's an awesome experience to meet up after lecture to argue with people about the role, if any, that plasma skimming has in the delineation of pulmonary zones. (you know... zones 1-3 and their ventilation efficiency).  It reminds me of my high school physics class and the arguments of black hole gravitational forces that I'd have with my friends while playing Advanced Dungeons and Dragons (I was always a tree-climbing elf- FYI)... completely irrelevant to the required class material but so interesting...

So.. despite my sucky sucky nightmare of having to repeat anatomy... life is pretty awesome. And I'm happy.

Cheers. :D

Homestretch with a Limp

I hate anatomy and I hate how my instructors are teaching it.  Their personalities are fun and their talks can be really entertaining but they're incredibly sexist: 64 slides on the male lower abdomen and sexual organs, ONE slide on the female anatomy, not a single female specific anatomy part on our 'to find' list but 18 male specific anatomy parts and yes we do have female cadavers.  I could go on and on with other examples***. I worry that it's not preparing us enough for the boards and clinical but more so I worry that this sort of sexism is pervasive throughout medicine and the course teaches for that.

This block has been tortuous. I've struggled to keep my motivation and bombed my first two exams. I need an 85% on our final to pass the course. I've been gunning the last couple of weeks because the idea of having to repeat this is about the worst nightmare I can think of right now. Besides, if I fail, I lose my scholarship thus costing me 60K. How's that for a perspective?

Last Friday, we had our 1st year radiology final. It was an independent study course that paralleled topics that we covered in our other classes.  The game of identifying different structures on different films was awesome.  I did well on it and it gave me some much needed confidence and motivation. Anatomy isn't medicine... Anatomy isn't medicine...

I have 4 more exams, including anatomy, in the next two weeks. Then, absolute, no guilt for not studying freedom.


*** Ok, one more example: 'fun' slides demonstrating aging included before/after photographs. For the male examples, we were given various faculty members and politicians. As women, we're expected to age like Sophia Loren and Madonna. ARGGHHHH! Seriously?????

Invisible

I've noticed a number of constants over the last few weeks of this course.  It took me a little while because our lecturers are fun. They joke with each other, poke fun at their favorite students and make a hard (boring) subject entertaining.

They also don't see the 40% of the class that carry two Xs.

None of the students pimped are women. Not ONCE have I heard a female name called out.  There's no negativity towards us; we're just ignored.

No examples in any of the pathological examples in lecture are female bodies.

And today during an embryology lecture on the face, the composite photo of variability examples consisted of:

Men                                                       Women
1. Harry Truman                                        1. Jennifer Lopez
2. Michael Jordan                                       2. little Pakistani girl
3.  A 40 something Asian Violinist               3. a perfectly symmetrical Asian teen model
4. Dwight Eisenhower                                4. A very young Sharon Stone
5.  A Caucasian Marine                              5. Tyra Banks
6.  Morgan Freeman
7. Geraldo Rivera

Seriously, am I reading too much into this? That the examples of 'variability' for us women are 4 western-world-idealized women and a child?

Celebration

So... to celebrate that I scored precisely 5 out of 58 on the practice anatomy practical tonight.. (EEK!)
I've compiled two top 5 lists.

Things that I misplace daily (which is really annoying)

1.  The lens cloth for my glasses.  My glasses are chronically smudged and I've an unhealthy dependence on wiping them, an act I perform several times an hour.  You can call my microfiber lens cloth my security blanket. I refuse to use anything else (besides kimwipes swiped from the lab in desperation) because a) glasses scratch really easily and b) they're insanely expensive.  Last night, I emerged from my apartment after 11:00 for the 24 drug store because I direly needed a new cloth. They're like those single socks in the dryer; they up and disappear. This morning, the cloth was gone. Seriously. I set it on my counter and it walked away while I was sleeping.

2. My Ipod nano. It disappears from the gym bag pocket that's its home on a weekly basis only to return (after tearing apartment apart in search) to that same pocket. It's like the traveling garden gnome; at times I half expect postcards of 1.98x10^14 fathoms per fortnight (my nano's moniker because I really am that dorky) posed on the Great Wall.

3. Any important mail. I have the horrible horrible habit of sticking it in the book that I'm currently reading. When I go to retrieve it, I have to try to remember which volume du jour it had been. Books spore you know. You think that you have only a few hundred but then.. you blink... a week passes.. and suddenly you're tearing through thousands looking for the stupid electric bill.

4. My Ipad stylus. Despite the fact that it has an established home, like fathoms- it has pathological wanderlust. I put it in the same pocket of my bag after every class but when I return to put it to work, it's gone! I swear the Bermuda Triangle is legitimate, effective and exists in my bag.

5. My cell phone.  I actually don't have a problem with its disappearance days on end. I don't use my phone very often and my family has learned that email is a much more reliable way to get a hold of me. It usually will turn up randomly like when I'm putting groceries away or running a load of laundry.

List II : things my cat eats that she shouldn't

1. My houseplants. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. HAS. BEEN. DESTROYED.

2. My remaining windowsill herb.  Apparently, cats love basil.

3. My Ipad charger.  ARGGHH!

4.  Used Qtips. She unlatched the bathroom door, opened the cupboard and dug out the Qtips. She was on a mission!

5.  My favorite pre-school splurge:

Sigh.... I really liked those shoes.

Dangling Threads

So far the greatest challenge of medical school for me has been keeping track of all the random ridiculous things that I'm responsible for.

Coming in, I had feared most that I wouldn't be able to manage the actual academics. The coursework though, has been really manageable. In contrast to undergrad, all the professors want us to succeed and work to make things clear and graspable. It's been pretty effortless to do well on the exams.

The overall BCMS organization is really confusing though. There's a daily class calender on our homepage but there are three other websites with pertinent info that we need to be constantly up on.

For example, a couple of months ago, we had a meeting listed on our daily calendar about a mandatory project.  The group of us went and during the meeting discovered that we had been required to watch a video beforehand. I had looked around the lecture hall and saw the same WTF faces on everyone else.  Afterwards, I spent 45 MINUTES hunting for any clue about the prereq or the video itself. Finally, after discovering, thru a link on a link, I found the assignment. Crap.

During that same hunt, I had stumbled on a service requirement that's due this coming week. Fortunately I made a note then and there and have been assiduously keeping at it. The assignment suggested going to two school departments for assistance but when I went, the folks there had no clue what was required. It seems the project is brand new to our particular class. But there has been no other mention anywhere else. Yesterday, I posted on our class facebook page reminding people about it and immediately received dozens of responses. It seemed that no one else had even known it existed.

It's been a reoccurring nightmare that I overlook something and fall into serious trouble with the school.

Well, this morning, I received THE EMAIL. For every completed course, every individual student is required to complete evaluations. The powers-that-be even send out email reminders.  There's even a tab on our homepage leading to the evaluation forms. Believe me, remembering all 20 lecturers for a particular course in order to evaluate them individually is a chore but I pushed through it. Well, it turns out that we're also responsible for evaluating the course in its entirety, link found on a different previously unknown website. Oops.

It burns me that I first hear about this requirement through an email telling me that I didn't complete them and my permanent record has been tagged with a 'concern for professionalism'. I can't help but wonder how many BCMS graduates have been 'tagged for unprofessionalism' because of the insane, confusing way the school HIDES the requirements we are supposed to fulfill. I hope if most of us get a tag here or there, it doesn't make a difference overall. It almost makes me regret letting my classmates know about the service assignment. I could have had lots of company in my unprofessional behavior.

I guess it's an augury for what my future as a physician will be: lot's of weaving unnecessary dangling threads (insurance, paperwork, bureaucracy etc) into a blanket while trying to improve patients' health.

ARGHH!  I want to SCREAM!!

Deflated Like a Flan in a Cupboad*

*partial Eddie Izzard quote..



So my romance with the musician fizzled. All I wanted to do was talk about anything but school and all he wanted was to hear stories about medical school.  Besides, he wouldn't listen to any music but his own. Not cool.

The first block of classes has successfully ended. Starting off with material that was familiar and came easily had spoiled me. Now, I'm nervous to all git about this new block: DUM DA DUM... anatomy!...

I like concepts, pick them up pretty quickly and love figuring new ways to apply them. Going into exams for cellular bio, chemistry or the MCAT (I can't believe that I'm admitting this...), I would secretly get excited like I was starting a new trivia pursuit game. Woohoo! A challenge! It was easy to see the trees and not the forest. I would approach each question like I was playing Whac-A-Mole.  Long confusing question? BAM! Knock that varmint back in the hole. I would leave the test giddy for all the rodents I had smushed and unconcerned about the few that I knew I missed. We all miss some of the little buggers when they pop up. The significance of the test in the grand scheme never really occurred to me until long after the effect.  My nerves have always twisted in those spare seconds before opening the results.

Well.. I just can't seem to get excited about anatomy. No game, nothing to figure out, either I memorized the material or I didn't. I'm really a pretty lazy person and an easily distractible one. This is something of a nightmare: sitting down for four months of nothing but brute memorization on an epic scale.

It's going to be an amazing struggle to keep up with the material. Bah.

Oh.. and herb plant numera tres esta muerta. Descanse en paz, Aloysia Citrodora...

What a Wonderful Life

It's been so long since I've written and nothing very significant has happened.

I'm doing very well in my classes. They're not as challenging as I had feared and so I have unexpected free time. I've been reading quite a bit. In anticipation of gross anatomy starting next week, I've been reading Stiff by Mary Roach.  It's humorous and irreverent, yet somehow respectful.

I just finished a two hour conversation with my closest friend, an adventurer living on the other side of the world. I investigated and she's now exactly 173 degrees longitude away from me.  We hadn't spoken since I started school and it was wonderful to catch up.  She's so very different from me; she's amazingly spiritual, artistic and sensitive. She can float through a social event and engage anyone. People remember her laugh decades after meeting her. Somehow our opposites fit perfectly like Emil Fischer's Lock and Key enzymes.

One of our few similarities is our chronic singlehood. We'd rather be alone than in an unsatisfying relationship. Yet over the last few weeks, we've both met someone. Ironically, our new lovers are the ideal for the other!

She's dating a serious, bibliophilic pragmatist and I'm dating the sensitive musician, a bass player.

As I mentioned, school is going really well. I honored my first two courses and have been tapped into tutoring some of my classmates for our upcoming biochem final, a daunting endeavor.  Knowing the material enough to do well on a test is one thing; knowing it enough to explain to pedantic, obsessive medical students is something else entirely!

We met our cadavers last week. There was a ceremony. All of the students, the ministry and many of the faculty came. Several students spoke about how this lab defined the true transition into 'doctor training' unlike the distilled science that we were currently studying. During the service, I had stood next to one of our primary science lecturers and I saw hurt in his eyes. Though I felt similarly about the significance of this transition, I felt awful.

Later that week, during a lecture, the professor commented on the ceremony. It wasn't directed specifically toward the student who made the speech but we all understood who the professor meant. The student turned red and slunk into the seat. Facebook encouragement flooded his/her inbox.

Though I was only peripherally affected, the situation made me so uncomfortable. I can easily understand both perspectives and the vulnerabilities of both student and teacher. The professor put in so much work to organize meaningful and useful lectures for us. Facing the boards next year, I know I'll be thankful for the precise and detailed handouts my teacher created. Yet, the anatomy lab is the first diversion from what has essentially been an extension of our undergraduate education. It is symbolic of our transition into medical training.

I face my first standardized patient next week in the hopes of successfully completing a history. If you had asked me last year, I would have never predicted the anxiety I feel now!

Exams, Here and Gone

There are a couple of folks in my small group section who 'know everything and are always right'. Ahem. Cough. Cough.

It drives me crazy when they come to a conclusion and then stop without considering another idea.  Several times now, an alternative answer has been dismissed or an inconsistency has been pointed out and then ignored. It's not that big of a deal; we're all pretty respectful of each other and, most of the time, we listen to the others' contributions. It's just that, maybe because we're being overwhelmed with new information, there lies a thread of intellectual laziness, an 'I don't understand why- I just memorize the correct answer' attitude.

It's just that I tend to want to look really deeply and make things more complicated. It's a study habit I've had since high school. Wondering "what if?" helps me to really incorporate the material, see it from all angles and prepare for scenarios that may be presented on exams.  I know that it's probably annoying when I seem to make mountains out of anthills but there have been several occasions when I've been completely on the mark of what the profs are looking for. (sometimes I'm totally off-base- but we'll disregard that as it doesn't support my point :) )

Anyway, it happened again on 3 of the problems today. Huzzah! I feel so smugly validated at being right.  (I'm sure my classmates never noticed, in hindsight, that I gave the correct answer, but I sure did!)

I also honored my first exam!

Friday Night, Weekend pre-Exam

Our first two exams menacingly loom over Monday morning.  I was managing just fine until this past Wednesday, when the lecturer piled 65 densely packed slides of intricate reaction mechanisms over 150 assigned pages of reading. Some of it was familiar; much was new minutiae. Ugh.

She repeated this distribution level both Thursday and today so I now have a mountain of new information to conquer before the weekend is out.

I'm in pretty good shape. I knew last week's material cold and have some familiarity with that of this week. I really feel for my classmates who don't have my chemistry background. They have a Herculean task. I think I'd rather steal the golden fleece, myself.

Anyway, I set up a study schedule and because I'm sacrificing my weekend to the (greater good?) of acing my first exams, I decided to treat myself to a pre-celebratory sushi dinner.

I walked down to the neighborhood sushi bar with my (amazing) Ipad full of notes and readings and snuggled into the banquette at a corner table overlooking the bustling bar.  Glass of wine in hand and saba sashimi on the way, I began to review ubiquitin modification in DNA repair. (awesome right? yawn.)

Losing myself in the notes, I didn't notice the couple next to me until the lady asked me what I was studying. I glanced down at my pad and then back to her smiling face and said. "Biology".

"Oh! Are you in nursing school?"

I smiled at her (I get that question a lot). I'm sometimes embarrassed to reveal that I'm in medical school; I don't want to EVER seem to be boasting and it's the type of confession that provokes preconceptions. Nonetheless...

"Medical. I'm at BCMS." (inner grin-thrilled at the self-reminder)

Gasp. Pause. Blurt.

"I've never seen a chubby med student before!" I could tell by her face, she was mortified at what slipped out.  I couldn't help my sharp shocked bark of laughter. Sometimes people just say the most awesome things.

"Oh. They make rare exceptions for really brilliant applicants." This was one of those rare times when my witty comeback didn't wait to 'come back' several hours after the fact.  Hee. She and her friend quickly settled their bill and I ordered a second glass of wine and some edamame.

I'm so glad I did! The next resident of the table turned out to be an adorable late seventies gentleman in a straw boater with a pale blue ribbon. He was unfamiliar with sushi but looking to be adventurous. We chatted; I gave him my recommendations and he told me about trying new things since his wife died.  I 'wasted' an hour of study time (totally worth it) meeting the character I hope I become when I grow up.

We left at the same time, hugged outside the restaurant and I turned to watch him stroll away, dapper with cane in hand.







 

Classmates

Today was a day of firsts. I finally met a classmate that I just cannot like.  Normally, I try to look beyond the irritating (god knows- I'm sure I can be really annoying too) but just sitting near this person, hearing the vitriol (s)he spewed about other classmates and the inane, superficial chatter that interspersed the venom, was absolutely torturous. I so profoundly hope that I never have to work directly with this person. Ever.

Another first; I met a classmate who just doesn't like me, one of my small-group members. We meet once a week and, under the guidance of a physican-proctor, discuss suggested readings, ethical issues and learn the practical side of medicine. Every gathering, one person, assigned alphabetically, is responsible for writing up a summary of the readings to guide the discussion.

Well, the largest (by orders of magnitude) reading chunk was the week that my turn fell on.  We found out today though, that the group doesn't meet the week prior to that.

I sent out an email suggesting that this other classmate and I exchange assignments as I had already started the reading and the summary for the massive task. I thought that I was being nice, volunteering to keep the big assignment. Oops. I was wrong.

My classmate immediately shot back a response. It was polite but angry, telling me that the original order should be kept and it didn't matter if I had started the reading because "everyone should read everything" anyway. Then after lecture, my classmate brushed right by me without a word but with a very articulate glare.

I'm pretty bothered by the exchange. I like everyone in my small group and really felt that the environment was encouraging. I guess I'll just wait and see what next week brings.

We had the sexuality lecture in Human Development. It was awesome. The professor taught the men all about proper foreplay (laugh) and peppered the entire 2 hours with anecdotes from his tenure working in the Emergency department. The things people insert into their bodies! Ew.