Dangling Threads

So far the greatest challenge of medical school for me has been keeping track of all the random ridiculous things that I'm responsible for.

Coming in, I had feared most that I wouldn't be able to manage the actual academics. The coursework though, has been really manageable. In contrast to undergrad, all the professors want us to succeed and work to make things clear and graspable. It's been pretty effortless to do well on the exams.

The overall BCMS organization is really confusing though. There's a daily class calender on our homepage but there are three other websites with pertinent info that we need to be constantly up on.

For example, a couple of months ago, we had a meeting listed on our daily calendar about a mandatory project.  The group of us went and during the meeting discovered that we had been required to watch a video beforehand. I had looked around the lecture hall and saw the same WTF faces on everyone else.  Afterwards, I spent 45 MINUTES hunting for any clue about the prereq or the video itself. Finally, after discovering, thru a link on a link, I found the assignment. Crap.

During that same hunt, I had stumbled on a service requirement that's due this coming week. Fortunately I made a note then and there and have been assiduously keeping at it. The assignment suggested going to two school departments for assistance but when I went, the folks there had no clue what was required. It seems the project is brand new to our particular class. But there has been no other mention anywhere else. Yesterday, I posted on our class facebook page reminding people about it and immediately received dozens of responses. It seemed that no one else had even known it existed.

It's been a reoccurring nightmare that I overlook something and fall into serious trouble with the school.

Well, this morning, I received THE EMAIL. For every completed course, every individual student is required to complete evaluations. The powers-that-be even send out email reminders.  There's even a tab on our homepage leading to the evaluation forms. Believe me, remembering all 20 lecturers for a particular course in order to evaluate them individually is a chore but I pushed through it. Well, it turns out that we're also responsible for evaluating the course in its entirety, link found on a different previously unknown website. Oops.

It burns me that I first hear about this requirement through an email telling me that I didn't complete them and my permanent record has been tagged with a 'concern for professionalism'. I can't help but wonder how many BCMS graduates have been 'tagged for unprofessionalism' because of the insane, confusing way the school HIDES the requirements we are supposed to fulfill. I hope if most of us get a tag here or there, it doesn't make a difference overall. It almost makes me regret letting my classmates know about the service assignment. I could have had lots of company in my unprofessional behavior.

I guess it's an augury for what my future as a physician will be: lot's of weaving unnecessary dangling threads (insurance, paperwork, bureaucracy etc) into a blanket while trying to improve patients' health.

ARGHH!  I want to SCREAM!!

Deflated Like a Flan in a Cupboad*

*partial Eddie Izzard quote..



So my romance with the musician fizzled. All I wanted to do was talk about anything but school and all he wanted was to hear stories about medical school.  Besides, he wouldn't listen to any music but his own. Not cool.

The first block of classes has successfully ended. Starting off with material that was familiar and came easily had spoiled me. Now, I'm nervous to all git about this new block: DUM DA DUM... anatomy!...

I like concepts, pick them up pretty quickly and love figuring new ways to apply them. Going into exams for cellular bio, chemistry or the MCAT (I can't believe that I'm admitting this...), I would secretly get excited like I was starting a new trivia pursuit game. Woohoo! A challenge! It was easy to see the trees and not the forest. I would approach each question like I was playing Whac-A-Mole.  Long confusing question? BAM! Knock that varmint back in the hole. I would leave the test giddy for all the rodents I had smushed and unconcerned about the few that I knew I missed. We all miss some of the little buggers when they pop up. The significance of the test in the grand scheme never really occurred to me until long after the effect.  My nerves have always twisted in those spare seconds before opening the results.

Well.. I just can't seem to get excited about anatomy. No game, nothing to figure out, either I memorized the material or I didn't. I'm really a pretty lazy person and an easily distractible one. This is something of a nightmare: sitting down for four months of nothing but brute memorization on an epic scale.

It's going to be an amazing struggle to keep up with the material. Bah.

Oh.. and herb plant numera tres esta muerta. Descanse en paz, Aloysia Citrodora...

What a Wonderful Life

It's been so long since I've written and nothing very significant has happened.

I'm doing very well in my classes. They're not as challenging as I had feared and so I have unexpected free time. I've been reading quite a bit. In anticipation of gross anatomy starting next week, I've been reading Stiff by Mary Roach.  It's humorous and irreverent, yet somehow respectful.

I just finished a two hour conversation with my closest friend, an adventurer living on the other side of the world. I investigated and she's now exactly 173 degrees longitude away from me.  We hadn't spoken since I started school and it was wonderful to catch up.  She's so very different from me; she's amazingly spiritual, artistic and sensitive. She can float through a social event and engage anyone. People remember her laugh decades after meeting her. Somehow our opposites fit perfectly like Emil Fischer's Lock and Key enzymes.

One of our few similarities is our chronic singlehood. We'd rather be alone than in an unsatisfying relationship. Yet over the last few weeks, we've both met someone. Ironically, our new lovers are the ideal for the other!

She's dating a serious, bibliophilic pragmatist and I'm dating the sensitive musician, a bass player.

As I mentioned, school is going really well. I honored my first two courses and have been tapped into tutoring some of my classmates for our upcoming biochem final, a daunting endeavor.  Knowing the material enough to do well on a test is one thing; knowing it enough to explain to pedantic, obsessive medical students is something else entirely!

We met our cadavers last week. There was a ceremony. All of the students, the ministry and many of the faculty came. Several students spoke about how this lab defined the true transition into 'doctor training' unlike the distilled science that we were currently studying. During the service, I had stood next to one of our primary science lecturers and I saw hurt in his eyes. Though I felt similarly about the significance of this transition, I felt awful.

Later that week, during a lecture, the professor commented on the ceremony. It wasn't directed specifically toward the student who made the speech but we all understood who the professor meant. The student turned red and slunk into the seat. Facebook encouragement flooded his/her inbox.

Though I was only peripherally affected, the situation made me so uncomfortable. I can easily understand both perspectives and the vulnerabilities of both student and teacher. The professor put in so much work to organize meaningful and useful lectures for us. Facing the boards next year, I know I'll be thankful for the precise and detailed handouts my teacher created. Yet, the anatomy lab is the first diversion from what has essentially been an extension of our undergraduate education. It is symbolic of our transition into medical training.

I face my first standardized patient next week in the hopes of successfully completing a history. If you had asked me last year, I would have never predicted the anxiety I feel now!

Exams, Here and Gone

There are a couple of folks in my small group section who 'know everything and are always right'. Ahem. Cough. Cough.

It drives me crazy when they come to a conclusion and then stop without considering another idea.  Several times now, an alternative answer has been dismissed or an inconsistency has been pointed out and then ignored. It's not that big of a deal; we're all pretty respectful of each other and, most of the time, we listen to the others' contributions. It's just that, maybe because we're being overwhelmed with new information, there lies a thread of intellectual laziness, an 'I don't understand why- I just memorize the correct answer' attitude.

It's just that I tend to want to look really deeply and make things more complicated. It's a study habit I've had since high school. Wondering "what if?" helps me to really incorporate the material, see it from all angles and prepare for scenarios that may be presented on exams.  I know that it's probably annoying when I seem to make mountains out of anthills but there have been several occasions when I've been completely on the mark of what the profs are looking for. (sometimes I'm totally off-base- but we'll disregard that as it doesn't support my point :) )

Anyway, it happened again on 3 of the problems today. Huzzah! I feel so smugly validated at being right.  (I'm sure my classmates never noticed, in hindsight, that I gave the correct answer, but I sure did!)

I also honored my first exam!

Friday Night, Weekend pre-Exam

Our first two exams menacingly loom over Monday morning.  I was managing just fine until this past Wednesday, when the lecturer piled 65 densely packed slides of intricate reaction mechanisms over 150 assigned pages of reading. Some of it was familiar; much was new minutiae. Ugh.

She repeated this distribution level both Thursday and today so I now have a mountain of new information to conquer before the weekend is out.

I'm in pretty good shape. I knew last week's material cold and have some familiarity with that of this week. I really feel for my classmates who don't have my chemistry background. They have a Herculean task. I think I'd rather steal the golden fleece, myself.

Anyway, I set up a study schedule and because I'm sacrificing my weekend to the (greater good?) of acing my first exams, I decided to treat myself to a pre-celebratory sushi dinner.

I walked down to the neighborhood sushi bar with my (amazing) Ipad full of notes and readings and snuggled into the banquette at a corner table overlooking the bustling bar.  Glass of wine in hand and saba sashimi on the way, I began to review ubiquitin modification in DNA repair. (awesome right? yawn.)

Losing myself in the notes, I didn't notice the couple next to me until the lady asked me what I was studying. I glanced down at my pad and then back to her smiling face and said. "Biology".

"Oh! Are you in nursing school?"

I smiled at her (I get that question a lot). I'm sometimes embarrassed to reveal that I'm in medical school; I don't want to EVER seem to be boasting and it's the type of confession that provokes preconceptions. Nonetheless...

"Medical. I'm at BCMS." (inner grin-thrilled at the self-reminder)

Gasp. Pause. Blurt.

"I've never seen a chubby med student before!" I could tell by her face, she was mortified at what slipped out.  I couldn't help my sharp shocked bark of laughter. Sometimes people just say the most awesome things.

"Oh. They make rare exceptions for really brilliant applicants." This was one of those rare times when my witty comeback didn't wait to 'come back' several hours after the fact.  Hee. She and her friend quickly settled their bill and I ordered a second glass of wine and some edamame.

I'm so glad I did! The next resident of the table turned out to be an adorable late seventies gentleman in a straw boater with a pale blue ribbon. He was unfamiliar with sushi but looking to be adventurous. We chatted; I gave him my recommendations and he told me about trying new things since his wife died.  I 'wasted' an hour of study time (totally worth it) meeting the character I hope I become when I grow up.

We left at the same time, hugged outside the restaurant and I turned to watch him stroll away, dapper with cane in hand.







 

Classmates

Today was a day of firsts. I finally met a classmate that I just cannot like.  Normally, I try to look beyond the irritating (god knows- I'm sure I can be really annoying too) but just sitting near this person, hearing the vitriol (s)he spewed about other classmates and the inane, superficial chatter that interspersed the venom, was absolutely torturous. I so profoundly hope that I never have to work directly with this person. Ever.

Another first; I met a classmate who just doesn't like me, one of my small-group members. We meet once a week and, under the guidance of a physican-proctor, discuss suggested readings, ethical issues and learn the practical side of medicine. Every gathering, one person, assigned alphabetically, is responsible for writing up a summary of the readings to guide the discussion.

Well, the largest (by orders of magnitude) reading chunk was the week that my turn fell on.  We found out today though, that the group doesn't meet the week prior to that.

I sent out an email suggesting that this other classmate and I exchange assignments as I had already started the reading and the summary for the massive task. I thought that I was being nice, volunteering to keep the big assignment. Oops. I was wrong.

My classmate immediately shot back a response. It was polite but angry, telling me that the original order should be kept and it didn't matter if I had started the reading because "everyone should read everything" anyway. Then after lecture, my classmate brushed right by me without a word but with a very articulate glare.

I'm pretty bothered by the exchange. I like everyone in my small group and really felt that the environment was encouraging. I guess I'll just wait and see what next week brings.

We had the sexuality lecture in Human Development. It was awesome. The professor taught the men all about proper foreplay (laugh) and peppered the entire 2 hours with anecdotes from his tenure working in the Emergency department. The things people insert into their bodies! Ew.

Second Week, Day One

Well, I'm firmly entrenched in the grit of medical school. We've covered 1/6 of our biochem/cellular bio course and our midterm is next Monday. My. Birthday. Huzzah!

I'm actually feeling pretty comfortable (so far) with the pace we've set. I'm sure, though, that I'll have a different sentiment this coming Sunday. 

We've had a few lectures in our development course on men's vs women's health, full of statistics and how social constructs affect medical outcomes.  It struck me though that the men's lecture was full of clinical techniques to counter these issues but there was not. a. single. one. introduced in the talk on women's health despite so many more inequities being quantifiably demonstrated (representation in clinical trials, the masculine body being the normal presentation in academics etc. I won't even go into the social/cultural contexts women deal with). 

Our class is, strangely, predominately male. A 60-40 ratio, I think.  Even with this disproportion, the female contribution, whether in the form of questions or thoughts, has been minimal. Besides my own, I've only heard two other feminine voices raised in lecture. Is this normal at other schools? I would have thought that anyone who reaches this stage in their education would be more assertive, more confident in contributing.

The school's fitness center is right next door to the building our lectures are in. It's amazing! Before, I'd always had the best intentions regarding working out but I rarely followed through beyond the first or second week. Now, it's pretty effortless. I go to class in the morning, study on campus for a few hours afterward, then walk down the hall toward the parking garage. But, wait, there, a beautiful pool, steam room and hot tub! So I wander in. I tell myself "you can relax as long as you want in the jacuzzi, just first: run 2 miles and swim 2 laps." So I do! It takes about 45 minutes and then, I soak. LOVELY.  I can already feel the difference in my body, I'm falling asleep more easily, waking up more readily and can really focus on the class material.  I know that I wouldn't make the same effort if the gym wasn't so bloody convenient. I actually felt guilty last Friday for skipping out early. I'm determined to get my resting heart rate down to the 60s (I'm high 70s-low 80's now) by the end of the term.

That's all for now. I'll update more later this week.